Life In The Carpool Lane (WWE Fastlane 2016 Review)

Hey everyone. It’s been quite a while since I’ve done a wrestling review, and my video “reviews” are usually way too long-winded for their own good. So, here’s the compromise. I’m doing written wrestling PPV reviews again! Thus, these are my thoughts on WWE Fastlane 2016.

As usual my standards were honestly set pretty low going into this one. There was at least one or two matches I was looking forward to that I knew were happening. But that’s about it. Speaking of which.

Kickoff Match
2/3 Falls match for the US Championship: Alberto Del Rio vs. Kalisto (c)

So, I’m just going to go ahead and say this match was great. At least I thought so. The two guys had me on the edge of my seat near the end for some of those near falls. But the main point I want to bring up, and the only thing that bugged me about this match is……WHY WAS THIS THE FUCKING PRE-SHOW MATCH? I mean, are you fucking kidding me? What the hell WWE? ARE YOU HIGH?! This was at the very least a match you open a PPV proper with, NOT A MATCH YOU RELEGATE TO THE PRE-SHOW!

*Ahem* Anyway, I could honestly keep bitching about it but I’d be here for a while. In any case, great match, dumb decision to put it on the pre-show. If I had anything nice to say about that decision, it’s kind of a backhanded compliment. That being I figure the only way this match would’ve had 15 minutes or so would’ve been if it was on the pre-show.

Side note: Who the fuck is that new-ish commentator that was actually calling the action during this match? This is the first time I can remember hearing this guy, and he’s already a better commentator than literally every other commentator WWE has right now. Pair this guy with Regal and fire everyone else. You’ll save a lot of money WWE.

Winner – Kalisto (1st and 3rd falls)
Match Rating – Solid A+ (Mainly to spite WWE for putting this on the FUCKING PRE-SHOW ARGH!)

PPV proper
Opening match: Sasha Banks & Becky Lynch vs. Tamina Snuka & Naomi

At first I was honestly annoyed that this was the PPV opener, and I still honestly am, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t like this match. In fact, this was a pretty good women’s tag match for WWE. Tamina & Naomi actually gel pretty well as a team, which is nice to see. It also helped to sell the “actual team vs. two singles people team” dynamic they were trying to push.

Not much else to say about this match. Damn good effort by all the women involved, especially considering the iffy reputation women’s tag matches in WWE usually have. Though please, give Naomi a new finisher. The Rear View is fucking stupid.

Winners – Sash & Becks (Let’s see if anyone gets that joke)
Match Rating – Solid A-

Intercontinental Championship match – Dolph Ziggler vs. Kevin Owens (c)

Like the match before this one, I wasn’t aware this match was happening. That said this did still turn out to be a pretty good match. I would say great, but honestly the first 5-10 minutes were kind of meh. I mean, sure, maybe Owens was doing the Orton technique of “nothing but rest holds” to piss off the crowd intentionally (in fact I’m almost certain that was the case), but it still rang a little hollow because that time frame just ended up being kinda boring.

And of course, as soon as the action picks up and gets interesting, we get a “this is awesome” chant. Which honestly I don’t think was deserved, and the fans in attendance were just easy as fuck to please. Personally my reaction was “Ok now I give a shit” not “WOW AMAZING 10/10!” but hey, that’s just me. Overall the match was pretty good, and even though I thought WWE were gonna make Owens cheat to win. Nope. He won clean. Can honestly say I’m surprised. Guess this feud isn’t going any further.

Winner (and still IC Champ) – Kevin Owens
Match Rating – Solid B+ (Would be higher but the mediocre first half brings the score down)

6-Man Tag Team match – Ryback, Kane & Big Show vs. Luke Harper, Eric Rowan & Braun Strowman

Not a horrible match, but the Wyatt Family lost so, you know what? l don’t give a shit. Fuck you WWE.

Winners – The Team That Should’ve Lost
Rating – Solid Z- (yes that rating doesn’t exist but fuck you I hate WWE that much over this)

Diva’s Championship match – Brie “My Husband’s Retirement Helped My Career” Bella vs. Charlotte (c)

I’m gonna be honest with you. I tried sitting through the video package, then realised they were just using Daniel Bryan’s retirement and Nikki Bella’s injury to emotionally manipulate us into liking Brie. Most people don’t give a shit about either one of the Bella Twins. Me? Nikki has warmed on me since she’s improved so her injury sucks. Bryan retiring also sucks. But what sucks more is trying to make us care about Brie because the other two people in her life with some actual talent are both broken.

Then I tried watching the match itself. Only to give up when they bring up Brie is wearing Bryan’s WrestleMania XXX kickpads. Fuck off. Because I only watched the ending and the match highlights I can’t say whether or not the match was good or bad, so I won’t give this a rating. But fuck you WWE. Fuck you for exploiting this shit to make us like someone. That’d be like if The Rock died and you exploited it to make more people like Roman Reigns. Hell, it’s like when Eddie Guerrero died and you used it to push Rey Mysterio to the World Heavyweight Championship.

Note that I am blaming WWE for this, not Brie herself. But she isn’t exactly an innocent party since she’s going along for the ride without complaint. But still. Fuck WWE for that. If Brie needs this to get over then that really shows how little of a shit people actually give about her.

Winner – Charlotte

AJ Styles vs. Chris Jericho

Not much I can really say about this match without going in circles, so I’ll say this much. This was a damn fine match. Considering the shape he seemed to be in, Jericho put on a good show, and even attempted a Tiger Driver/Tiger Bomb (pending which you prefer) at one point. It got reversed but the point is he broke out a move he doesn’t do anymore. It was either that or he was going for that double under-hook backbreaker thing. But I assume Tiger Driver.

AJ was great and, without trying to sound insulting, carried the match. The Pele kick he hit on Jericho when Jericho was on the top turnbuckle was cool because I honestly didn’t expect him to reach far enough to connect. But he did, thankfully. Overall this was a good match as I said. The fans were dead for the entrances, but they picked up and cheered for both when the match itself started. So that kind of made up for it.

Only issue I have is the match actually seemed a tad too drawn out. Though that may just be me being tired as I write this……also because I’m kinda distracting myself as I write this. It’s definitely one of those things anyway.

Winner – AJ Styles
Match Rating – Solid A-

The “We Realised We Had A Lot Of Time To Fill So Fuck It, Here’s Another Match” match – R-Truth vs. Curtis Axel

So yeah. This was a thing. Not a bad match but extremely short. If nothing else I give them credit for at least continuing the story between Goldust & R-Truth. By doing that the match seemed slightly less like a pre-main event filler match. It still was though.

Winner – Curtis Axel
Match Rating – Solid C+ (Didn’t have time to be anything great, but it was at least decent)

Main Event for the spot at WrestleMania because we made the Rumble match for the title, so now we have to do this even though you know Reigns is winning – Dean “I’m here to take the fall” Ambrose vs. Brock “Why Am I Even Here?” Lesnar vs. Roman “I’m Obviously Winning This Thing” Reigns

As you can tell I didn’t exactly have high hopes for this match. And to a point I was justified in that. Lesnar spammed suplexes as usual, but luckily WWE got that bullshit out of the way early to allow for an actual match to happen when Dean & Reigns would take Lesnar out of the equation. To be honest any time Brock was getting attacked was a highlight for me. That’s how much I fucking hate this run Brock has had.

In a way this match is very reminiscent of the Rollins/Cena/Brock triple threat from the Rumble last year. If only for how Brock gets taken out for most of it so we can have an actual match. Though Dean/Reigns wasn’t as good as Rollins/Cena. That said the stuff with them facing off did hold my interest, so they have that going for them. I already knew thanks to spoilers that Roman was winning but, come on, of course he was gonna win.

One thing I didn’t forsee was how exactly Lesnar would be neutralised. I had expected the Wyatt Family to come out and decimate Lesnar, probably carrying him backstage or something too. But that didn’t happen. Thanks to RAW results I know why, but yeah. Honestly I’m kind of glad about that whole thing cause now Bray doesn’t have to suffer being squashed by Lesnar……….but on the other hand, now Dean does. Well, I guess you can’t win ’em all. Which at this point might as well be Dean or Bray’s motto.

In conclusion, as I said, this match wasn’t exactly bad, and any time Brock was laid out was great, but overall the match was still only just “good”, which isn’t really good enough for a PPV MAIN EVENT! But I digress. They did the best they could with the situation at hand, and we all knew Reigns was gonna win so who even cares?

Winner – Roman Reigns
Match Rating – Solid B+. Would be lower or higher, but the predictability and Lesnar’s inclusion knocked it down a few pegs, and Lesnar getting put through two tables and smashed with a chair brings it back up a bit.

Overall PPV Rating – Solid B+ (Not going by an averages or anything, just going with what I feel it deserves)

Final Thoughts

So. Was this PPV crap? Honestly I’d say no, it wasn’t crap. Was it great? I wouldn’t say that either. The best word I can think of right now is……..decent. This PPV was decent. We’re on the fucking road to WrestleMania and all I can come up with is “decent”. How sad is that?

And honestly I’m gonna leave it at that. I could go on about how I think Triple H should’ve had a title defense on the PPV as a random short match against a midcarder to give a guy some exposure, but I’ll leave it at a mention so I don’t make this any longer. And with that, I’ll see you guys in April for what is shaping up to be a very mediocre WrestleMania. 

Prove me wrong WWE. Prove. Me. Wrong.

The Ring Of Fyre 2.0: Peasant Squabble (Royal Rumble 2015 Review)

This time on The Ring Of Fyre, Thomas bitches about how mediocre the Royal Rumble was for the 2nd straight year.

The Ring Of Fyre 2.0 – Tender Love, Caring…..and Sharing (WWE TLC 2014 Review)

This time on The Ring Of Fyre, Thomas gives his thoughts on the last WWE PPV of the year, Tables Ladders and Chairs…….and Stairs……..seriously whose idea was that?

The Ring Of Fyre 2.0: WrestleMania 21 Review

This time on The Ring Of Fyre, Thomas finally gets around to talking about 
WrestleMania 21. Something he meant to do at least a month ago.

The Ring Of Fyre 2.0: Eye Of The Tiger (Survivor Series 2014 Review)

Not having been able to watch it live, Thomas gives his delayed thoughts on the 2014 edition of the Survivor Series PPV.

The Ring Of Fyre 2.0: Royal Rumble 2005 Review

This time on The Ring Of Fyre, Thomas FINALLY gets around to giving his thoughts on the 2005 Royal Rumble PPV.

The Ring Of Fyre 2.0 – A Midsummer Night’s Slam (SummerSlam 2014 Review)

Having seen the PPV, Thomas gives his thoughts on WWE’s latest PPV offering, SummerSlam 2014.

 

The Ring Of Fyre 2.0 – Armageddon-palooza

Thomas Fyrehart rambles on about the WWE Armageddon PPVs from 2002-2005.

Skip to about 2:51 for the actual start.

Ten Movies And/Or Film Franchises I Have Never Seen

A few times in my life I have had a conversation that basically went like this (granted said example is an exaggeration).

Someone: Oh hey this reminds me of *insert movie here*
Me: Oh…I haven’t seen that movie.
Someone: WHAT? REALLY?
Me: ……yeah
Someone: WHY?
Me: I don’t know, just haven’t bothered to yet.

In some cases it can be explained away by age difference, but there have been plenty of times where people my age have seen PLENTY of movies I know exist, but have never actually seen. As such, I figured I would make a list of some of the movies and/or franchises I have yet to see as of writing this article. I may do more lists like this in the future, but I figure ten is enough for now. I would also like to point out that this is mainly going by movies/franchises that the vast majority have seen, so lesser-known/cult-status movies probably won’t show up here.

Mission: Impossible Franchise
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The first of three action franchises I’m going to bring up, and I must say I have absolutely no idea what this film series is about. All I honestly know about these movies is Tom Cruise is in them, and one of the movies had a thing where two guys jump at each other on motorbikes, and the motorbikes explode or something like that…that is honestly all I’ve got. I’m not kidding. I honestly know nothing else about this franchise and I refuse to look it up to give a synopsis, because that’s the beauty of the thing. Considering I do know this franchise exists, yet know next to nothing about it, is actually quite amazing. That reminds me, I’ve also only seen three movies that actually have Tom Cruise in them, and that’s without even trying. Weird.

4/5’s Of The Die Hard Franchise

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Ok. This one has Bruce Willis in it and he’s all “Yippee ki-yay mother fucker!” and stuff. And his character’s name is John McClane. Yeah, again that’s about all I know, but in this case I have seen ONE of the five movies. In a way I’m probably cheating, but the one I have seen is Live Free Or Die Hard/Die Hard 4.0, so I think this still counts in that I haven’t seen the three everyone actually seem to like (and “A Good Day To Die Hard”). Hell, I only ever saw the fourth one because it came on TV once and my dad was watching it, so I decided to give it a shot. The thing that strikes me as odd is, as well known as these movies are, I have never once had someone tell me I NEED to watch them. Ok actually maybe ONCE that happened, but still. Regardless I’ve honestly never felt compelled to watch the first three movies, or the fifth, so I’m not sure if I ever will watch them.

Lethal Weapon Franchise

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Stars Mel Gibson & Danny Glover. Action movies. Yeah wow, I have no idea what the hell these movies are about. Hell, I had to look it up to remember Danny Glover was in the movies. Accidentally found out it’s a cop duo series, but I didn’t bother to read the plot synopsis for any of the movies. I’d honestly rather go in blind at this point if I ever watch these movies. How did I first find out about Lethal Weapon I hear you ask? Well that’s easy, there is/was a Lethal Weapon mini-rollercoaster at an Australian Theme Park called Warner Bros. Movie World. Yep. Had no knowledge of the movies as a kid, so that one ride being named after Lethal Weapon is where I first heard about it. Never got to ride it though, not that I’d have wanted to.

Star Trek Film Franchise

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Funny thing about this? I’ve only ever watched one episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, so you could basically say I’ve pretty much never watched Star Trek period, let alone the movies. Being a Star Wars fan has nothing to do with it by the way, I’ve just never been compelled to watch Star Trek for some reason, and therefore have yet to pay attention to the films. Also, that does include the new “everyone’s younger” movies too, not just the movies William Shatner & Patrick Stewart’s respective eras had.

2001: A Space Odyssey

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“I’m afraid I can’t let you do that Dave” “Daisy, daisy, give me your answer do”. That’s pretty much all I have off the top of my head. I know the basic plot somewhat, and I DID almost watch this the other week, but I missed it due to doing something else, so I am still yet to see it. That’s honestly it. Aside from HAL-9000, I have no idea of the full names for characters or anything else like that. Hell, I don’t even know what actors are in it! And that’s worse than anything I’ve brought up so far!

Citizen Kane

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I know absolutely nothing about this movie aside from the quote “Rosebud” and the fact it’s in black and white. That is seriously all I know. I have no idea what the plot is, I can’t remember if I know any of the actors in it, and have no idea what decade this was even made in! Honestly I think that’s about all I need to say.

Indiana Jones Franchise

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Now, I count the entire series instead of “all of them except Raiders” because I barely remember anything from Raiders, as I think I’ve only seen bits and pieces of the movie, and not the whole thing from start to finish. As far as I’m concerned that means I’m not cheating, so there you have it. I have seen Spice World, Master Of Disguise and at least one of the Care Bears movies…but I’ve never seen any of the Indiana Jones movies the entire way through or at all. Granted, depending on who you ask, not having seen Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull is probably a good thing.

Donnie Darko

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Just what the hell is this movie about anyway? I can’t remember any of the actors that are in it and the only quote I know is “Go suck a fuck” and the titular Donnie’s response asking how one does so. I actually know how to suck a fuck, but I’d rather not explain it to keep this article “Safe For Work”. Let’s just say if you watch enough porn, you’ll figure out how.

The Evil Dead

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I didn’t add “franchise” because I have seen Army Of Darkness, and Evil Dead 1 & 2 are basically the same movie from what I’ve been told. I’ve wanted to watch at least the first Evil Dead for quite a while, but for some reason I’ve just never gotten around to watching it. Not much of an excuse I know, but hey, it’s the only excuse I’ve got it seems.

Ghostbusters Franchise

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Well, if none of the previous ones made you hate me, this just might. Sure there’s only two movies so far, but I have yet to see the second one at all, and I’m fairly sure I’ve never seen the first one the entire way through, only seeing bits and pieces when I was little. I honestly have no excuse for not having watched these movies other than “I just haven’t watched them yet”. Considering the hype behind them I’m almost as shocked as you are that I haven’t seen them, but the fact remains that I simply haven’t yet.

And that’s all for now. Is there any well-known movies/film franchises you’ve never seen that surprises people? If so, is it a case of not finding them appealing, or just not getting around to seeing them yet?

I’ll be back soon-ish with another article. But for that one, it’ll be a case of me trying to get you to watch something I’m fairly sure you haven’t seen, instead of talking about things I haven’t seen. See you all next time.